The Hellmouth Sunbeams, formerly the Moab Sunbeams, are a professional Blaseball team based in Hellmouth, Utah. They have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season 1 and compete in the Wild Low division of the Wild League, having previously been members of the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League.
- 1 Roster
- 2 Former Players
- 3 Season Results
- 4 Notable Events
- 5 History
- 6 Rivalries
- 6.1 Major Rivals
- 6.2 Rivalliances
- 6.3 Anti-Rivals
- 6.4 Rivals
- 7 Staff
- 8 Stadium
- 9 Fan Culture
- 10 Fan Art
- Hahn Fox
- Hendricks Richardson
- Dudley Mueller
- Sutton Bishop
- Sigmund Castillo
- Igneus Delacruz
- Nerd Pacheco
- Nagomi Nava
In the Shadows
- Rhys Trombone (Season 3, Day 2; replaced by Dudley Mueller)
- Velasquez Meadows (Season 3, Day 23; replaced by Alexander Horne)
- Emmett Internet (Season 5, Day 91; replaced by Sutton Bishop)
- Randall Marijuana (Season 6, Day 44; replaced by Hendricks Richardson)
- Alexander Horne (Season 6, Day 61; replaced by Sigmund Castillo)
- Malik Romayne (Season 7, Day 60; replaced by Joe Voorhees)
- Alaynabella Hollywood (Season 6 Election; traded to the Boston Flowers for Hahn Fox due to the Vulture blessing)
In Season 1, the Sunbeams went 40-59, coming in at 4th place in the Lawful Evil division.
In Season 2, the Sunbeams went 37-62 in the season, choosing not to advance to the postseason out of a spirit of splortsmanship and magnanimity.
In Season 4, the Sunbeams went 40-59, coming in 5th in the Lawful Evil division. In the Season 4 Election the team won the Precognition blessing, which improved Nagomi Nava, Emmett Internet, and Randall Marijuana's hitting by 20%.
In Season 5, the Sunbeams went 35-64, coming in 5th in the Lawful Evil division.
In Season 6, the Sunbeams went 47-52, coming 2nd place in the new Wild Low division. During the Season 6 Election, the Sunbeams won the Move the Mounds Closer blessing, which improved Wild Low's pitching by 10% and impaired their hitting by -5%. They also won the Vulture blessing, which stole the best player in the Wild Low, hitter Hahn Fox, from the Boston Flowers. They sent back hitter Alaynabella Hollywood. They were subjected to the Sharing Signs blessing, which improved Wild Low's hitting by 10% and impaired their pitching by -5%.
In Season 7, the Sunbeams went 54-45, their best posting to date and leaving them in Playofff contention until a record-breaking Game 99. During the Season 7 Election, the Sunbeams won the Downsizing blessing, and their worst hitter, Joe Voorhees retreated to the Shadows. They also won the Stickum blessing, which boosted the Defense of Hendricks Richardson, Hahn Fox, and Igneus Delacruz by 1 star each.
In Season 8, the Sunbeams went 59-40, topping the Wild Low division and entering the playoffs as the Wild League 2nd seed. They were swept 3-0 by the Houston Spies in the quarterfinals. During the Season 8 Election, the Sunbeams won the Base Instincts blessing, changing all players' blood types to Base and granting the team the Base Instincts modification.
In Season 9, the Sunbeams went 51-48, coming third in Wild Low division and entering the playoffs as 4th seed from the Wild League. They swept the Chicago Firefighters 2-0 in the Wild Card round of the postseason, advancing to Round 1, where they were swept 3-0 by the Baltimore Crabs. The Sunbeams were subjected to the Fifth Base, but protected by the Wild Low Shame Bubble. The Sunbeams also won the Mutually Arising blessing, which improved each team in the Wild Low division's overall rating by 2%.
In Season 10, the Sunbeams went 33-66, their worst season yet, reaching Party Time with the Hawai'i Fridays after Day 81. They were selected as a Season 10 Wild Card along with the New York Millennials, and swept the Unlimited Tacos 2-0 in the Wild Card round to advance to the Division Round. After being swept 3-0 by the Baltimore Crabs they returned to Party Time. During the Season 10 Election, the Sunbeams won the blessing titled The Nut Button, making the team no longer allergic to peanuts and making Sandoval Crossing Superyummy. They also won Divisional Walk in the Park, giving the entirety of the Wild Low division Walk in the Park. As a result of the Sharing Signs blessing won by the Unlimited Tacos, all of Wild Low had their hitting rating improved by 10% and their pitching rating impaired by -5%. The Sunbeams also received The Fourth Strike as a result of the Charleston Shoe Thieves winning the Tag-Team Fourth Strike blessing.
In Season 11, the Sunbeams went 68-39, finishing with the highest wins in the League. They swept the Houston Spies 3-(-1) in 2 games due to Sun 2 and Black Hole, then beat the Hades Tigers 5-3 in a six game series to win the Wild League championship. In the final, the Sunbeams went 3-1 against the Seattle Garages to become the Season 11 Internet Series Champions. In the Season 11 elections, the Sunbeams were assigned the Arcana XII The Hanged Man.
Move to Hellmouth
Prior to the opening of The Forbidden Book at the end of Season 1, the Sunbeams were located in the Moab Desert. However, once The Book was opened, the desert, stadium, and team were all swallowed by Hellmouth.
Post-Incineration Horne Run
In Season 3, Day 25, facing the Philly Pies, Alexander Horne stepped up to bat for the first time as replacement following Velasquez Meadows's incineration. At four minutes into the game, Horne hit a grand slam Horne Run that put the Sunbeams up 4-2. Meadows's ghost could not be reached for comment, but the ash wisps blowing about Hellmouth Stadium were said to take on a pleasant, flowery odor.
| COMMUNITY LORE|
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
For more information about the Sunbeams, see Hellmouth Sunbeams/History.
The Sunbeams avoided incineration until the tragic loss of Rhys Trombone on Season 3, Day 2. Some fans had been hoping that “maybe a few of our pitchers” would be the target, not their four-star batter. Sun Loyalists have claimed that this was in fact an act of “divine alchemy”, while others believe that Coach Sol was strategically tanking the team in the hopes of securing better draft picks. The continued incinerations, and no sign of improved drafts, have called both theories into question. The loyalists’ response was, “maybe the sun isn't protecting us. Who really knows at this point?"
The Sunbeams are known for their great team chemistry. Nobody blames anybody after a loss. They all go get smoothies from the Shadow Moabbey. It is not recommended that anyone not on the team drinks the smoothies from the Moabbey. The players have worked very hard to be able to tolerate those god-awful smoothies, and fans are certainly unprepared.
The Sunbeams have a complicated relationship with rivalries. Rivalry involves wistfully watching their rivals matches, hoping to face them in battle once again. Rivalry involves fiercely defending a rival from others, because only You are allowed to defeat them. Rivalry involves being unable to think of anyone other than the rival, and on dark nights wondering if they're staring into the same sun, cursing your name.
Rivalry also arises from competing for something, and in the case of Blaseball the Sunbeams are competing with the rest of the league. Therefore, everyone is a rival. This results in teams falling into one of four categories: Rivals, Major Rivals, Rivalliances, Anti-Rival.
In addition to the heated rivalry between the two teams, famously commemorated in both song and zine format by the Seattle Garages after definitive wins in Seasons 2 and 3, many fans that follow HELIOATRY clash with Garages fans. The Garages have a stated intention to kill the sun, which is considered blasphemy. This rivalry is most clearly seen in the events surrounding The Solympic Flame.
After the Chicago Firefighters entered the Season 9 playoffs as the Wild Card seeded against the Sunbeams, the Firefighters threatened to put out the sun. Though unsuccessful in their efforts, a beautiful rivalry was forged from this fateful series, with the two teams skirmishing intensely over who would get the Season 10 Nut Button, the Firefighters threatening again to destroy the sun, and the Sunbeams insisting the sun would consume Chicago.
The Entirety of Wild Low
The entirety of the Wild Low Clubhouse ((Unlimited Tacos, Houston Spies, Miami Dale, Boston Flowers) have what many teams have named 'similar vibes', and it is a very common to see fans of all five of the Wild Low teams excitedly cheering for each other, or apologising to each other for beating them in the playoffs. An example of this was in the Season 10 playoffs, where Wild Low as a whole were very excited for the Unlimited Tacos to finally reach the playoffs with their new and improved team. Unfortunately the Hellmouth Sunbeams, who were hosting Partytime at the time, got pulled in as a wild card and swept the Tacos in the wildcard match. This resulted in very apologetic fans of the Sunbeams begging forgiveness.
Hades Tigers, the Match Made in Hell
The Sunbeams' original Anti-Rivals the Hades Tigers share a close kinship with the Beams, due to the locational connection between Hades and Hellmouth, as well as the Tigers' overwhelming support for their new neighbors from day one after the Hellmouth's opening. Whenever the two teams play against each other, fans cheer on the opposing team from their reserved sections and can often be heard shouting "TIGERBEAMS!". Both teams believe that when one team wins, both win, and are regularly seen adding the two's scores together into one number to proclaim how well TIGERBEAMS have been doing.
Yellowstone Magic, the Mystical Miscreants
The Yellowstone Magic and Sunbeams partnership has been described as "a match made in spell", bonding over the comparably unusual emanations from beneath their home ballparks and a mutual respect for the surrounding unnatural landscape and wildlife. The two teams have very similar ominous but friendly vibes, and are regularly seen engaging in all sorts of ritualistic nonsense together. Fans are known to cheer HELLOWSTONE as a greeting, which is answered with calls of YELLMOUTH, before the shouts and cheers dissolve into eldritch keening as the fans embrace and excitedly summon horrific beings to have tea parties with.
New York Millennials, the Roommates
The friendship between the New York Millennials and the Sunbeams formed during the Season 10 Postseason. The Millennials and the Sunbeams entered playoffs as the Wild Cards for their respective sub-leagues. Fans of both teams came together to cheer each other on and were ecstatic when both teams swept their opponents. Since then the teams have become very close, bonding over their love of Blaseball, not owning their homes/teeth, and the Marijuana Brothers, Randall Marijuana and Dominic Marijuana. They thrive in the chaos they create when together, yelling out long acronyms and mashups of their classic chants such as "WHOSE BONES? NOT OURS WE RENT!" and "STARE INTO THE HOUSE! THE RENT STARES BACK!". Recently the teams have signed a lease together and are now long-distance roommates.
Because of the above mentioned rivalry definition that the Hellmouth Sunbeams work with, it is very easy to tell if you are their Rival.
Is your team a rival of the Sunbeams?
Ask yourself the following yes or no questions;
1. Do you often get handmade cards and propaganda from Beams fans?
2. Does your team exist?
3. Do you see Beam fans staring at you and obsessing over your games?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, congratulations, your team is a Sunbeam rival. Please send a framed team photograph to the Solarium at your earliest convenience so rivalry may commence!.
- Sol, head coach
- Velasquez Meadows's Ghost, manager
- Addie Tantalus, asst. coach
- [No known first name] Nakamura, asst. coach
- Determination Montgomery, batting coach
- Beef Randolph, nutritionist
- JEFF, "mascot"
- Dead Tom, the fan
- The Man Who Owns All the Teeth, sponsor
- The entire population of Bishop Sutton
- Moon Roomba
Main article: The Solarium
For more on the Sunbeams' fan culture and chants, see Hellmouth Sunbeams/Fan Culture.
Every time the Beams score a run, a child is allowed to hurl a pane of glass off the highest part of the stadium wall. This has led to numerous incidents of children trying to use psychic powers to manifest runs, which has been a great boost to the team's morale.
At the end of a winning home game, it is customary for the Sunbeams to dump the team's water cooler on the pitcher. The Hellmouth being what it is, this has resulted in 15 hospitalizations for steam burns this season.
In honor of Alexander Horne's revenge-driven grand slam tribute to Velasquez Meadows, fans of the Sunbeams refer to all grand slams as Horne Runs.
The Solympic Flame
At the dawn of every Season, a fire is started somewhere in the Solarium using the sacred light from the easternmost Blaseball location. To date, the flame has been extinguished by Garages fans before the season has concluded. For more information, see the Solympic Flame page.
- We are okay!
- Ȟ̷̦E̵̤̿R̴͔̀È̶͔ ̶̽ͅC̵̻͆Ó̷̖M̷̲͋Ě̶̺S̴̞̎ ̴͕͋Ț̴͛H̸̥̒E̴̡̓ ̵͎͛S̷̥̈́U̸͎͗N̴͈͊
- Beam me up, Scotty!
- Call: FIVE SEVEN
- Response: SEVEN EIGHT
- Call: STARE INTO THE SUN
- Response: THE SUN STARES BACK
- Call: TOO HOT
- Response: HOT DAMN
- Call: BONE FLESH TEETH
- Response: TEETH FLESH BONE
- Call: HELL MOUTH
- Response: HELL YEAH
- Nerd Pa-Che-Co (Nerd Pacheco)
- SAN-DY CROSS-ING [clap-clap, clap-clap-clap] (Sandoval Crossing)
- Cross 'em out! (Sandoval Crossing)
- You shall not pass (Sandoval Crossing)
- X X X (Sandoval Crossing)
- HONK (Sutton Bishop)
- It takes a village (When Sutton Bishop is doing well)
- The flames of James (When Miguel James is pitching)
- Lone Star Lars/The Only Star We Need is the Sun (Lars Taylor)
- TOO HAHN / HAHN DAMN (Hahn Fox)
- Beams fans are also known to yell players' Soulscreams to cheer them on.
Have fan art of the Sunbeams? Add it here or at Hellmouth Sunbeams/Fan Art!