The Houston Spies are a blaseball team in the Wild Low division of the Wild League. They began in the Chaotic Evil division of the Evil League. The Spies have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season 1.


Players

Lineup

Pitchers

In The Shadows

Former Players

Incinerations

Feedback Swaps

Shadows Transactions

Blessings

Season Results

Season 1

Effortlessly qualified for playoffs. Made short work of the Hades Tigers in the first round of the postseason, before a narrow loss to eventual winners the Philly Pies. Mathematicians have pointed out that any team knocked out by the eventual winners have as much right to the second place spot as the team that loses in the finals.

Season 2

While many league historians claim that the spies didn't reach the playoffs in season 2, no independently verifiable eyewitness accounts attest to this. Sadly, the details of their season 2 playoffs campaign, assuming it took place, are most likely lost to the ages.

Season 3

The Spies had an incredible showing in season 3, with their ultimate fate still undecided going into the final day of games. In the end, the Spies were victorious, becoming the final team to secure a spot at Party Time.

There was controversy in the off-season due to the enactment of a blessing (Rigour Mortis) that crippled their division by lowering the others baserunning by 10%. Internally however, the Spies have shown concern over this, feeling as if they are being framed for an act of sabotage that they did not commit. When confronted, their response was unusually clear and open: "We wouldn't willingly act out to hurt any of our potential allies." Their official responseechoes this.

Season 4

At the end of the Season 4 Elections, the Spies were first cursed by the Questioning Their Every Decision blessing, which was won by the Canada Moist Talkers, which impaired the Spies vibes by 7%. However, the Spies won the Summoning Circle blessing, which randomized the stats of Marco Escobar, leaving them with a ★★★ rating.

Season 6

At the end of the Season 6 Elections, the Spies recieved two blessings:

  • Party Line, which created a Duplicate of Hawai'i Fridays pitcher Evelton McBlase. Evelton McBlase II took the place of Donia Bailey, who retreated to the Shadows.
  • The Best Offense, which swapped the Spies' best pitching hitter, Alexandria Rosales with their worst pitcher, Evelton McBlase II.

The Spies were also affected by the Who? blessing received by the Charleston Shoe Thieves, which stole Howell Franklin, maxed out Franklin's stats, and sent Joe Voorhees in return. They were also affected by the Sharing Signs and Move the Mounds Closer blessings from the Boston Flowers and Hellmouth Sunbeams, respectively, which improved their hitting and pitching by a net 5% each.

Season 7

During the Season 7 Elections, the Spies were targeted by the Lottery Pick blessing received by the Hawai'i Fridays, which stole Evelton McBlase II from the Spies and sent Karato Bean back. They also received Targeted Shame from the Fridays' The Shame Bubble blessing.

Season 9

During the Season 9 Elections, the Spies were subjected to the Fifth Base, but protected by the Wild Low Targeted Shame Bubble.

The Spies also benefitted from the Hellmouth Sunbeams winning the Mutually Arising blessing, which improved the overall rating of each team in the Wild Low division by 2%.

Season 10

During the Season 10 Election, all of Wild Low had their hitting rating improved by 10% and their pitching rating impaired by -5% as a result of the Unlimited Tacos winning the Sharing Signs blessing. Wild Low also gained the Walk in the Park modification after the Hellmouth Sunbeams won Divisional Walk in the Park.

Season 11

In the Season 11 elections, the Spies were assigned the Arcana XVIII The Moon.


COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Team Overview

The Houston Spies are an ordinary Blaseball team and, despite rumors, tie-in merchandise, press statements, and government reports to the contrary, are not a front, cover, extension, or subsidiary of any kind of extragovernmental shadowy spy Agency. They may or may not be from Houston.

Origins

It is unclear why the Agency decided to register the Houston Spies as a Blaseball team, when visible famous athletes would compromise security.

Some theories include:

  • The Agency just wanted an ordinary blaseball team, for perfectly normal reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with spywork at all.
  • It was an accident; the Houston Spies were supposed to be registered as the Houston Spiders. By the time this error was discovered, the uniforms had already been made, the stadium had been built, and the marketing had already been started. So they decided to just go along with it.
  • Ticket sales, licensing, and merchandise bring in a lot of money. This money is incredibly useful to fund operations.
  • Blaseball players are afforded a great deal of access to areas and sources that would be extremely difficult to get into otherwise.
  • It was a surprise birthday present to the Director.
  • The Agency’s internal blaseball team had gotten tired of playing against themselves.
  • The Spies are just distractions from the real agents.

Stadium

The name and location (and, some argue, quantity) of the Houston Spies' stadium are highly classified. It can be reached through an unknown number of secret entrances found all over Houston, Texas, and is notable for its eclectic mix of architectural styles, most prominently Brutalist.

Uniform and Equipment

Like all splorts fans, fans of the Houston Spies, also known as agents, show their team affiliation through choice of clothing. An agent's outfit characteristically lacks that classic piece of Hollywood spy costuming, the trench coat, because spies are most effective when they are least recognized. The team periodically issues press releases reminding the public that no one wearing a trench coat can possibly be actively engaged in espionage and therefore you should not be concerned about their presence in restricted areas reading your classified files. They're probably just a tourist.

For branding purposes, however, Houston Spies wear trench coats—or clothing technically classifiable as trench coats—while playing, in accordance with the Houston Spies player manual, which, when deciphered and unredacted, dedicates no less than 37 pages to the team dress code and its assorted clauses, subclauses, superclauses, paraclauses, flowcharts, diagrams, and 8x10 glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each. This is obfuscatory, as there are two requirements:

  1. Wear one or more trench coats while playing.
  2. Wear one or more hats, each of which coordinates with one or more of the trench coats, while playing.

Agents are encouraged to file reports of dress code violations in their nearest dead drop.

For most players, the most common cause of dress code violation is removing their "trench coat(s)" as a threatening, dramatic, or practical move when initiating melee combat.

Despite the ultimately bare-bones requirements of the team dress code, it's not uncommon to observe a Houston Spies player wearing a tasteful classic gray baseball outfit with Spies-purple pinstripes, a matching tie with gold tie pin, and charcoal gray suspenders and socks. No one has yet claimed the credit for this outfit (carefully tailored to fit each player's body and clothing preferences) appearing in Spies players' lockers, dressers, closets, and dreams, but Reese Clark has noted that wearing it when playing is "easier than doing my own laundry." The back of each shirt features a black rectangle that removable letters and numbers can be affixed to.

Bats

Upon joining the team, Spies are issued a special league-cleared "Blaseball bat" consisting of a magnifying glass with an outsized solid wooden handle to use to hit the ball. They are not required to use this bat; during their time as batter, Alexandria Rosales used their sword, and Son Scotch uses the whiffle bat they used in the park when you taught them to play Blaseball as parent-son bonding time. Nor are they required to use the bat as intended: when he was on the team, Evelton McBlase II was known to sometimes swing the lens end at the ball like a tennis racket; it's unclear whether that was intentional.

Mascot

The Spies mascot changes every home game for security purposes. An agent is issued a mission briefing to be the Spies mascot for the game. Agents who determine the mascot status of a fellow agent before the 7th inning Mascot Cam reveal win a $10 gift card to Spies-R-Us. On the advice of the Spies' legal team, the Spies officially discourage mascots from eliminating rival mascots in cases of multiple mascots being selected, even if they're "real pieces of work." It is rumored that in cases where a mascot is not correctly selected and tracked, a shapeshifting agent is paid to be the substitute mascot.

Away games mascot Private I., an adorable gas-mask-wearing robot with camera hands and a question-mark tie, represents "the" mascot for PR purposes, including interviews and merchandise deals, but does not appear to have served as mascot during a home Spies game. Yet.

Management

What divisions, departments, or members of the Agency are responsible for managing the Houston Spies team is highly classified information—classified enough that it's unclear whether they even exist. However, the team's tie-in animated children's television show features Manager, a radio speaker in the team's locker room which communicates through pieced-together garbled radio transmissions that are then interpreted by the team. Leaked documents have confirmed the presence of a radio speaker in the player's locker room. It appears to be programmed to tune into the space between registered channels, apparently at random; if this is the team's manager, however, it has yet to make a press appearance and its pronouncements are not as respected and obeyed as its animated counterpart's.

Unique Features

It has been noted that Spies players are generally referred to using they/them pronouns (with the notable exception of Math Velazquez).

Players that have been 'incinerated' by Blaseball terminology standards are considered MIA (Missing In Action) rather than KIA (Killed In Action). Their files are updated to reflect this change and a Burn Notice is issued to the other teams to update their records. Their names are laser-etched into a sheet of black rock, which is kept in a hermetically-sealed room to avoid further tampering. In the event that any incinerated Spies player returns to corporeal form, this record can be expunged at the touch of a button. For the sake of internal security and protection of identities, incinerated Spies players are not commemorated at public memorial sites.

Players that are transferred from other teams are considered to be activated sleeper agents or burned double agents regardless of their own opinions on the matter or contradictory evidence. Players that are transferred to other teams are also considered to be double agents working on behalf of the Spies. Evidence to the contrary, such as exceptionally skillful playing in opposition to the Houston Spies, is understood as cover identity maintenance. The literal impossibility of disproving someone's speculated secret allegiance to the Houston Spies may be the origin of the Spies chant "We could be me! We could be you!"

Theories

Given the Spies' love of secrecy, concrete information about anything not publicly visible—such as uniforms or equipment—is hard to come by. Below are a number of rumors, theories, counter-theories, and rebuttals issued by agents.

  • Theory: The Spies HQ is in the Spies stadium, which is in Houston.
    • Countertheory: The Spies HQ and/or the Spies stadium is in outer space.
      • Evidence of Countertheory: During the third season afterparty hosted by the San Francisco Lovers, Reese Clark dropped a receipt for a significant quantity of rocket fuel.
        • Counterevidence of countertheory: When pressed, Clark stated that there were "a lot of uses for rocket fuel" and refused to elaborate further.
    • Theory revision proposal: At least one Spies HQ is in at least one Spies stadium, at least one of which is in Houston.
      • Revision proposal request for clarification: Does there exist at least one Spies stadium in Houston which contains at least one Spies HQ?
        • Response to revision proposal request for clarification: [REDACTED].
  • Theory: The Spies team naturally attracts genderfluid and otherwise nonbinary players, due to its longstanding tradition of mostly using they/them pronouns.
    • Countertheory: Spies players use a variety of pronouns for themselves, but the Agency has classified this personal information for security purposes.
      • Counterevidence of countertheory: If this were true, it would be stated in the Spies Identity Elements Classification document.
        • Counter-counterevidence of countertheory: It might well be; the Spies Identity Elements Classification document is too heavily classified to make a determination.
          • [REDACTED] of countertheory: My clearance is high enough to know that it says [REDACTED].
    • Countertheory: Spies players frequently change genders for personal, security, and mission-based reasons and use they/them pronouns to avoid spending vast amounts of time updating gendered references in personnel files.
      • Countertheory: Time spent having a gender is time that could be better spent practicing Blaseball.
  • Theory: Trench coats are designed for, or come from, the "trench" the Hall Monitor mentioned following Jaylen Hotdogfingers from.
    • Countertheory: The Monitor has nothing to do with the Spies and the name of the trench coat is a coincidence.
      • Counterevidence of countertheory: There is no such thing as coincidence.
      • Counter-countertheory: The Monitor had nothing to do with the Spies (but has since been recruited).
    • Counterevidence of theory: The Director has issued a press release stating that there is no connection between the dress code requirements that Spies players wear trench coats and the being claiming to be from a place called the Trench.
      • Counter-counterevidence of theory: Oh, well if the Director said it it must be true.
  • Theory: Letters are velcroed to the back of the Spies' "uniforms" in case of name or number change.
    • Counter-theory: Letters are velcroed to the back of the Spies' "uniforms" in case of player change.
      • Counterevidence of countertheory: They're customized to the player, size, design elements, and all. They can't be reused for new players.
    • I don't know the right format for this but it's not actually that complicated? This way is easier to wash. - Spies Laundry Intern
      • Counter-theory: Well if a Spies intern said it, it must be true.

Fan Culture

For a more in-depth look at the Spies' fan culture, see Houston Spies/Fan Culture.

Select Chants

Athlimasmologists have documented numerous Spies chants, both for the whole team and a few for individual players. By far the most popular Spies chant is "We could be you! We could be me!" Some suspect this to be  a reference to the Spies' historical usage of double agents, though Spies management insists these tactics are a thing of the past. Other classic Spies chants include "Houston... we are the Problem," "Bang BANG" and, in hushed whispers, the phrase "Spies win."

On the Material Plane

  • Prior to Season 1, a baseball [sic] team on Houston’s material plane was found stealing signs from opposing teams, and banging a trash can to signal their batter about upcoming pitches. It is not known whether the operation was inspired by the Spies’ team slogan, or how many Spies agents were providing extradimensional assistance with the plan.

Fan Art

Have more Spies fan art? Add it here and at Houston Spies/Fan Art!



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