Joe Voorhees is a lineup player for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Voorhees is currently in the Shadows.



Official League Records

Voorhees entered the league in Season 1 as a player for the Canada Moist Talkers, and was traded with Workman Gloom to the Charleston Shoe Thieves in a feedback swap on Season 4, Day 28. Voorhees was once again traded at the end of Season 6 due to the Shoe Thieves recieving the Who? blessing. Voorhees joined the Sunbeams as the result of a feedback swap with Malik Romayne on Season 7, Day 60.

Season 6

During a Season 6, Day 76 game against the Mexico City Wild Wings, Voorhees's star rating decreased from ★★  to ★  after swallowing a stray Peanut and having an allergic reaction. Voorhees joined the Houston Spies during the Season 6 Elections after being traded with Howell Franklin as a result of the Who? blessing.

Season 7

During the Season 7 Election, Voorhees retreated to the shadows due to the Downsizing blessing.


COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Career With The Moist Talkers

Voorhees was variously described by his teammates as “solitary”, “unnerving”, “quiet”, and “prone to leaving rusty stains in the water.” During his tenure, he took up residence in a cabin within the Under-Arena, a location presently referred to as the Throat. Ultimately, all reports say Voorhees was both well-loved and well-feared by fans and players alike, a common status for players within the Chaotic Evil division.

Career With The Shoe Thieves

Following his trade to the Shoe Thieves, Voorhees was initially met with a cool reception by both players and fans - likely due to either some resentment at his replacement of Charleston veteran Workman Gloom or disagreements over the appropriate number of homicides per game.

Following an altercation over the disappearance of several Shoe Thieves fans shortly after Voorhees's transfer, pitcher and manager Cornelius Games publicly banned him from the Charleston team clubhouse, reportedly stating: "Don't come back until you either learn to how to snag a pair of heels off a runway model or how to have some [expletive removed] respect."

In addition to duties as a hitter and position player, Voorhees assumed Workman Gloom's role as caretaker for team mascot and pitcher Beasley Gloom. While Voorhees initially found this role "challenging", according to teammates, he eventually formed a close bond with the pitcher, who shared his lifelong love of Slim Jim beef jerky snacks.

Struggling to bond with his new team, Voorhees reached out to his replacement on the Moist Talkers for advice. Gloom reportedly told him that "to be a Shoe Thief, you need to thieve some shoes," as well as advising him that many people, including most of the Charleston roster, disapprove of murder and may be uncomfortable around someone who commits it, a fact that Voorhees later stated he had "never been told before."

Gloom assisted Voorhees with stealing his first pair of shoes, a pair of 1989 Air Jordan IV's located in an airtight vault in an abandoned private collection in Sunken Charleston. Impressed with this heist, and swayed by the testimonials of both Beasley and Workman Gloom, Games relented and lifted Voorhees ban from the clubhouse, on the condition that he refrain from murder in the future. Voorhees accepted the condition and the number of corpses discovered in Choux Stadium each week decreased dramatically.

Shortly after his first month playing with Charleston, the team held a party for Voorhees, presenting him with a pair of steel-toed boots stolen from a rare earth metals processing plant, and a "30 Days Murder Free!" badge designed and constructed by Velasquez Alstott.

Career with the Spies

Voorhees’ tenure with the Spies lasted a mere sixty days, but according to declassified exit interviews he expressed confusion at the Spies’ culture. Voorhees would insist he’d never been involved in murders of any description. By his PR agent, Mandy Sulaco's account, Voorhees’ claimed his teammates would “just wink and nod knowingly. Very weird vibes.”

On transferring to the Sunbeams, Voorhees expressed considerable excitement at the prospect, describing Hellmouth as “basically the most cursed, awful, place in all of Blaseball. It’s a slasher film aficionado’s dream, you know?”

Career with the Sunbeams

Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd

Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd

Voorhees hired/was adopted by PR agent Mandy Sulaco, following initial objections among murder-opposed individuals in the wider Hellmouth community who felt Voorhees “to be a terrible role model for our, well, I don’t think any of us are actually cruel enough to raise young people without their say-so in the Hellmouth, but still.”

Among the Beams themselves, meanwhile, the matter appeared mostly settled following two key encounters. The first was between Voorhees and Lars Taylor, where the two reportedly engaged in seventy seconds of animated discussion in both ASL and LSQ before Taylor told everyone “he’s cool.” Nagomi Nava expressed a similar sentiment following an eight-minute staredown with Voorhees in a corridor.

Despite Sulaco's best efforts, Joe Voorhees continued to be connected or otherwise implicated with "disappearances" around Hellmouth. Fellow Sunbeams batter and part-time noir detective Nerd Pacheco, after consulting with Taylor and Nava, extended an offer to Voorhees to jointly open a detective agency[1].

During his 39-day career with the Sunbeams, Voorhees hit a respectable total of 10 home runs, including a Grand Slam on Day 91.

Voorhees was a common sight around the Hellmouth community prior to his disappearance. He made time outside of his busy blaseball schedule to volunteer with community events, such as: knife sharpening workshops, cleaning+flossing the Hellmouth's teeth, and distributing topiary shears to Hellmouth households. He also enjoyed exploring Utah's varied national parks, against the recommendations of the Sunbeams' coaching team.


Joe Voorhees was in Hellmouth. He doesn’t appear to be any more. If anybody’s seen him, please contact Mandy Sulaco immediately.

Disappearance

The circumstances surrounding Joe Voorhees' disappearance into the Shadows are hotly debated. The IRM randomly chooses one rumor of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. To read all about the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, visit Interdimensional Rumor Mill. If you would like to edit this entry, click IF-73.415, or if you would like to see a list of all Rumors for this player, click Rumor Registry.

Joe joined the Order of Lanternbearers in the Shadow Moabbey, as is customary for players in the Sunbeams' Shadows. However, despite the insistence of Moabbey staff that he has taken up residence, he never seems to be available when journalists come looking.

Controversies

CONTENT WARNING

This article contains content relating to: implied violence

Halifax Disappearances

In completely coincidental timing, Joe Voorhees joined the Canada Moist Talkers at the same time as multiple groups of self-styled “thrillseekers” vanished from the park during games. Some witnesses claim to have seen Voorhees following these individuals throughout the stadium. The individuals in question all disappeared while exploring a dark hallway, deep in the bowels of the stadium leading to a run-down shack rumored to be Voorhees' home at the time. Anyone who has attempted to enter the shack has never been seen again. When asked about this, a Moist Talkers representative responded:

"The Moist Talkers don't know anything about any 'disappearances' within our stadium. I would advise all fans stay within the well lit parts of our stadium and refrain from exploring the rest of it. On the subject of Joe Voorhees 'stalking' folks throughout the park, all I can say is that he's in our dugout during the games. The only way he would be able to get out with nobody noticing is if he could teleport or something, which is absolutely preposterous."

When asked if he had any involvement in the supposed disappearances, Voorhees refused to answer.

Trivia

  • Joe Voorhees is definitely not undead serial killer and horror movie icon Jason Voorhees wearing two hlockey masks, that's just his preferred headgear of choice.
  • Joe Voorhees is famous in the world of Blaseball for never running, yet somehow always being where he needs to be at the right time. Fans have tried to see how he does it but always manage to just barely miss his movements. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
  • Voorhees is mute and communicates primarily in American Sign Language, or occasionally Quebec Sign Language in which he is also fluent.
    • He shares this language with his teammate, Lars Taylor. Voorhees is, to record, the only individual able to keep up with Lars when the latter is signing at full speed with his uncountable hands.
  • Voorhees has faintly green skin. Whether this is a skin condition or some sort of dye is unknown. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
  • Voorhees is known for maintaining a collection of rare and high-quality knives, which he used for his hobby of preparing fresh sushi for his teammates while with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.
  • During his career with the Shoe Thieves, Vorhees specialized in stealing ice skates - the closest shoes to knives.
  • In Season 7, the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board awarded Joe Voorhees its coveted “Number One Reason For The Season (not to come to the Hellmouth)” Recognition, awarded to the most upstanding examples of why people should not visit the Hellmouth.

Nicknames

  • The Slasher
  • GI (Good Intentions) Joe (upon arrival in Hellmouth)

Fan Art


  1. Partly to clear Voorhees' name by catching the actual killers, but (according to Pacheco) "also cuz it's cool as hell."
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