The Philly Pies are a Blaseball team in the Mild Low division of the Mild League. They have been a part of the Blaseball League since Season 1. The Pies are two-time Internet Series champions, winning the title in Seasons 1 and 2. They were previously in the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League.
- 1 Roster
- 2 Former Players
- 3 Historic Moments
- 4 Season Results
- 5 Team Overview
- 6 Fan Art
- Eduardo Woodman
- Beasley Day
- Jessica Telephone
- Farrell Seagull
- Peanut Holloway
- Jaxon Buckley
- Lang Richardson
- Yeong-Ho Benitez
- Kennedy Cena
- Cedric Gonzalez (Season 1 through Season 2, Day 93, replaced by Peanut Holloway)
- Juan Rangel (Season 1 through Season 3, Day 5, replaced by Eduardo Woodman)
- Forrest Bookbaby (Season 3 through Season 6, Day 21, replaced by Alston Cerveza)
- Mickey Woods (Season 1 through Season 6, Day 95, replaced by Jaxon Buckley)
- Hobbs Cain (Season 6, Day 82 through Season 8, Day 10, replaced by Rai Spliff)
- Morrow Wilson (Season 1 through Season 4, Day 37; replaced by Yeong-Ho Benitez)
- Spears Taylor (Season 1 through Season 4, Day 43, replaced by Jessica Telephone)
- Alston Cerveza (Season 6, Day 21 through Season 6, Day 82; replaced by Hobbs Cain)
- Nolanestophia Patterson (Season 3 through Season 8, Day 21; replaced by Lang Richardson)
- Rai Spliff (Season 8, Day 10 through Season 8, Day 27; replaced by Summers Pony)
- Alyssa Harrell (Season 8, Day 90 through Season 8, Day 90; replaced by Eduardo Woodman)
- Summers Pony (Season 8, Day 27 through Season 8, Day 102; replaced by Farrell Seagull)
Blessings and Trades
- August Mina (Season 1, traded to the Dallas Steaks for Jessica Telephone)
- Kevin Dudley (Season 1 through Season 3, traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves for Forrest Bookbaby)
On Season 1 Day 73, the Philly Pies matched up in the second leg of a 3 game series with the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Scoring 21 unanswered runs, this sparked a time honored Philly tradition of beating the absolute Philling out of teams in the second legs of 3 game series. Many say that this game was the spark the led to their historic Pennant winning title in the inaugural season of Internet League Blaseball.
On Season 2 Day 83, the Philly Pies matched up in the second leg of a 3 game series with the Seattle Garages, the Pies set a season-record victory, shutting out the Garages on the back of excellent pitching by Nicholas Mora, while piling on 16 runs of their own. After a heartbreaking loss in game 1 of the series, where the Pies closed 5 points of a 7 point deficit in the bottom of the eighth, and stranded two runners in the bottom of the 9th, the Pies had revenge on their minds. Lead off hitter Juan Rangel got the night started with a single, loading the bases for a Grand Slam from Elvis Figueroa. The remainder of the starting lineup proceeded to score without the Garages getting a single out, leading to an historic 9-0 lead after only the first inning.
The Pies would proceed to score 7 additional runs, featuring home runs by Jessica Telephone and Beasley Day, while conceding nothing, to set a league record 16-0 blowout of the Garages. When asked about what inspired their excellent performance, Beasley responded "Woof," before proceeding to go get the ball again.
In Season 1, the Philly Pies went 53-46 in the regular season and entered the post season as the #3 seed in the Evil League. The Pies swept the #2 seeded Breckenridge Jazz Hands (57-40 in the regular season). The Pies then faced the Houston Spies (53-44 in the regular season) in the Evil League Championship Series and won the series 3-0, including a 17 inning thriller with the winning run scored on a solo HR by Cedric Gonzalez and a shut out inning by Betsy Trombone. In the Internet Series, the Pies faced the Chicago Firefighters. The Pies continued their winning ways with another 3-0 sweep for win the first Internet Series without losing a game in the post-season.
The Pies concluded their second season with a score of 61-38, placing them as the #2 seed in the Evil League and advancing them to the playoffs. Following in the footsteps of Season 1, the Pies swept the first round against the Canada Moist Talkers (55-44 in the regular season), winning 3-0. They then continued their undefeated streak into their second Evil League Championship Series against the Breckenridge Jazz Hands (55-22 in the regular season), winning their second consecutive Evil League Champion title. After a surprising upset in the first round of the championship finals, where the Charleston Shoe Thieves (50-49 in the regular season) clinched the first game, the Pies bounced back to win their second Internet Series title, winning 4-1.
Season 3 concluded with the Pies going 53-46 in the regular season, securing their place as the #2 seed in the Evil League. The Pies went up against the Canada Moist Talkers (53-46 in the regular season) in the first round, winning 3-2. They were defeated by the Hades Tigers in the Evil League Championship Series, losing 3-2.
Despite holding two championship titles, Pies flans have been known to refer to their team as "the Underdogs" even if their team is favored to win or indeed have already won. This was believed to start midway through Season 2, but gained traction in the flan base with a popular GIF in Season 3. If anyone questions the use of this phrase the worst performing hitter on the team is contractually obligated to crawl beneath Beasley Day and say "See, we're literally under dogs! Ha ha ha!" (The contract states the player must use exactly three "ha's").
- Spears Taylor's suffering an allergic reaction on Day 98 of Season 3, lowering the rating of the hitter from ★★½ to ★ immediately before the postseason.
- Ruslan Greatness, of all people, repeatedly striking out Jessica Telephone in Game 1 of the Evil League Championship Series, clinching a win for the Pies.
- The creation of Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain.
- The sitcom/documentary My Roomie Ruslan, starring Ruslan Greatness and Morrow Wilson, wins seven Emmys.
The Pies received the Best Offense blessing in the Season 4 elections, which swapped the Pies best pitching hitter, Elvis Figueroa, and their worst pitcher, Forrest Bookbaby. During feedback Morrow Wilson was swapped for Yeong-Ho Benitez, and Spears Taylor was swapped for Jessica Telephone. The latter resulted in much rejoicing.
Season 6 saw the incineration of flan favorites Mickey Woods and Forrest Bookbaby, as well as the shelling of star batter Jessica Telephone. Newly joined player Alston Cerveza was also quickly feedback swapped for Hobbs Cain. This run of bad luck lead many flans to claim they had been "jokerified" - developing an anarchic desire to tear down society and the blaseball system in general. At the end of Season 6, the Mutually Arising blessing improved the Pies' overall rating by 2%.
Due to the Mild Low Blood Bath criteria, Jessica Telephone's shelling, and the new Enhanced Party Time decree, many Pies flans saw this as a good opportunity for the team to tank this season. When Telephone was pecked out of her shell by birds in game 63, the Pies were well on their way to one of the worst records in the league, which they continued to a 41-58 record and an early party time that led them to a number of Enhanced Party Time buffs. Unfortunately for the Pies, the Blood Bath was postponed indefinitely. The Pies won no blessings in Season 7, but the Fridays' blessing The Shame Bubble blessing gave every team outside of Mild Low targeted shame.
| COMMUNITY LORE|
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
- Hoagie Schuylkill - Head Coach
- Sam Hinkie - General Manager
- The City of Philadelphia - Owner/Team Mom
- The Philadelphia Philling - Mascot
The Pies' stadium, Tastykake Stadium, commonly referred to as "The Oven", is known for its zero food waste policy. All food waste is recycled. Any would-be food-wasters caught by the security team are punished with necessary force. When entering the stadium, blaseball-goers will notice the words "Crust the Process" emblazoned on the entrance gate.
Tastykake Stadium formerly housed one of the league's only in-stadium jails, the Pie-nitentiary, but the Philly Pies have embraced the prison abolition movement and the jail has since been converted into a community center featuring rooms available to rent for local organization meetings and youth groups. A small portion of the Pie-nitentiary has been preserved as an exhibit space for tours of stadium history.
By pushing the nose on the hidden eighth gnome in the community garden, a secret stairway leading below the stadium is revealed. This leads to the Piebrary, the Philly Pies library of pie recipes collected, curated, and stolen from all over this world and others. It is said that every pie recipe - the delicious and the terrible - can be found inside the Piebrary if you are willing to delve deep enough. Sometimes when there isn't a game going on you might catch a glimpse of the Philadelphia Philling prancing merrily through the shadowed shelves.
After former Pies player Hobbs Cain was incinerated at the start of Season 8, the eldritch goose creature known as the Wawaiathan was seen endlessly circling the skies above Tastykake Stadium, accumulating a steadily growing mass of crows in its wake. On the day of the Season 8 election, the flock suddenly descended to roost en masse in the upper deck rafters. During the siesta following that season, it's been reported that the birds have begun to intervene helpfully in the Pies' practice sessions.
Fourth Slot Curse
Since Season 6, the fourth slot in the Pie’s batting lineup has been held by a rapidly changing succession of players.
|1||Forrest Bookbaby||Incinerated||Season 6, Day 21|
|2||Alston Cerveza||Feedback Swapped||Season 6, Day 82|
|3||Hobbs Cain||Incinerated||Season 8, Day 10|
|4||Rai Spliff||Feedback Swapped||Season 8, Day 27|
|5||Summers Pony||Feedback Swapped||Season 8, Day 102|
This period also spanned the loss of beloved players Mickey Woods and Nolanestophia Patterson, as well as the Shelling of star batter Jessica Telephone. While easily dismissed as a run of bad luck, many flans believe the frequent turnover of cleanup hitters indicates the fourth slot in the Pies’ lineup is cursed.
Some theorists believe the original source of the curse was a bad peanut eaten by former Pies pitcher Kevin Dudley, which reduced his performance and soured his reputation among the flans. When the flanbase later voted to trade Dudley out of spite, he supposedly cursed the second spot in the pitching rotation as revenge for his mistreatment. Forrest Bookbaby is believed to have inherited the curse as part of the trade. However, when the flanbase again intervened to swap the much more capable Elvis Figueroa into the pitching rotation, the curse followed Bookbaby into the lineup.
According to sources within the Pies organization, the team was careful not to mention any of this around cleanup hitter Summers Pony, formerly of the Dallas Steaks, who spooks easily. Pony was unaware of the curse right up until their Flickering and subsequent Feedback swap.
Have more Pies fan art? Add it at Philly Pies/Fan Art!